Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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