I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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