I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
