There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
