Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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