I wish my penis had an off switch
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
