3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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