I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I am midnight drunk by noon
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
