So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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