new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
