I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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