Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i can't believe i had my finger in that
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
