wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
