i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
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My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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