Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
