I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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