Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
