I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
