God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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