I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
