her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
