was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
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Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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