He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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