Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
