Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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