If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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