I just cut my nipple shaving
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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