I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
