I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
