dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
