You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Randomize
