I accidentally had phone sex last night
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
