Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
