90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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