Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
