apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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