Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
