so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i would punch a child for taco bell
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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