it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
