Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
dude. I can hear the air.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
