He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
