been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
