Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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