you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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