The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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