God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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