There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
