she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
