So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
