i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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