Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
