Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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