I will die if light touches me.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
