You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
