Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
