Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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