i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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