I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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