I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
